Jerusalem Nisan circa 2 BC
In a dramatic development today, Anti-Everything League campaigner Barney Doddle said they would follow up their recent protest against Pete Barjonah with a petition to stop Yeshua Benjudah from speaking at the upcoming Wellsong Conference.
When interviewed during the Mercury Hill protest, Doddle, who considers himself a soft atheist, said, “It was clear from the start that Pete shouldn’t have been heard at the Mercury Hill conference after his violent actions in cutting off the ear of a security guard at the Gethsemany Garden.”
“We are also aware that Yeshua Benjudah attempted a coverup following this event by fixing the guard’s ear,” he continued, “but Pete’s temper and fishermen’s language is legendary amongst the Galilean Nautical community so, in our opinion, he should never be allowed to speak, preach, eat fish, talk to his kids, dip his toe in the lake, or even give his testimony ever, ever again.”
“We were also informed that Pete allegedly lied about his association with the revolutionary Benjudah and his followers on at least three occasions.” He added. This was confirmed by a crowing cock we later interviewed, using one of the wellsongchookwatch chooks as an interpreter, and it only cost us a few bucks.
On the run
The Benjudah coterie was said to have scattered when their leader was recently taken into custody for alleged antisocial behaviour. It has been rumoured that Benjudah has been recruiting for a regime change. The military governors have been concerned about a possible coup attempt. The chooks are more concerned about their coop, but have no danger of a coup because everyone pretends to be anonymous so nobody owns up to being in charge. No coup at the coop.
Followers of Benjudah say the group is peaceful and have drawn large crowds after a series of reported wellbeing phenomena and enlivening speeches that have caught the imagination of the suppressed masses. Religious authorities are, however, concerned about the gatherings, and have been making plans to stop Benjudah and his followers.
The online petition against Yeshua Benjudah is in protest over his actions at the Jerusalem Temple a few months ago when he turned over the tables of the cash-converters and chased after them with a whip. It was said that he was incandescent with rage and loudly proclaiming that the Temple belonged to his father and was reserved as a house of prayer. The cash-converters dispute this, saying they were providing a service to overseas visitors.
It’s claimed that Benjudah has also disputed with the Jewish religious hierarchies, who have been monitoring his activities and sayings. On their discernment blog ‘pharisaic-observer’ they claim Benjudah called them names, insulted them and challenged their authority.
Barney Doddle says they have a point. “There is no excusing his actions,” said Mr Doddle, “he shouldn’t be given a platform to air his views in public. We were told that he expects to come back some day and pour out his wrath on people if they don’t join his club. We are against anger of any kind, especially claims that he will judge the world.
“There’s no place for this kind of behaviour in the cosmic atheist nirvana we are promoting. Atheism is safe. OK, apart from maybe Stalinist Russia in the early twentieth century, and the Pol Pot regime.
“But we’re peaceful atheists. Honest. We believe in free speech, as long as it fits in with our own perspective. We only want to stop Wellsong because they’re very popular and we’ll have fifteen minutes of fame to promote the Anti-Everything League, especially if we’re interviewed on the ABC. Did I mention I’m an atheist?”
Online discernment sites such as wellsongchookwatch have supported the atheist-run petition and encouraged their readership to add their names.
“We’re all for it,” said a friend of a friend of someone who is maybe related to a chookwatcher, “we’ve been hanging out for something negative to be said about Wellsong for ages. This rumour almost looks real.”
Regular commenter ‘Zero’ even made the point that, “the whole Wellsong crew are slime-bags and slipperier than my toe-jam, and that’s pretty slithery. You could slap it on a greasy pole and have a fair old time trying to slide down it. We use it on the kids’ bicycle chains. I’ve got more brains in my big toe than all of the Wellsong toes put together. They’re not even real toes. They’re wolf-toe-clippings-in-sheeps-clothing the lot of them. Plastic wolves at that. I’m the toe-brain kid.”
Wellsongchookwatch founder Fullgas Manclay (also known by his day name, Jay Killabot) was not available for comment, being lost somewhere in his secret lair of an oversized hoodie somewhere in the depths of the fear of man.
The Daily Toerag did manage to get a cluck out of one of his alter ego chooks, “We support anything and anyone who has an issue with Wellsong and Byron Heston, even if it means publishing articles from non-believers and programs like ‘A Currant Bun” which pretend to expose people using innuendo, suggestion and supposition.”
When questioned on the viability in journalism and discernment of rumours and insinuation, another of Manclay’s alter ego chooks said, “We think there’s a place for innuendo and supposition, especially from disenchanted ex-believers. Some of our best articles are based on Chinese Whispers from a few of these ex-followers of Benjudah who have joined the Unchurch of the Atheist Doubters. There’s an art form to the way rumours unfold, so we like to keep them circulating as much as possible to see how they come back to us.”
Meanwhile, Barney Doddle was busy painting protest posters. “My favourite is the one that says Bring Back Zero Wellsong Toe-Jam Tolerance, but I don’t have a clue what it means”, he told us.
We’ll leave the last word to ‘Zero’. “My toe-nail clippings are actually supernatural. I’ve sent them to papa Jan MacRoofer for canonisation and sprinkling with holy water,” he said.
[This article, like most of the wellsongchookwatch site, is a complete work of fiction. Any resemblance to real characters is purely satirical and we apologise for any accidental similarities to real people.]